Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
