Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
