the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
