I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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