my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
