Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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