I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
