You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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