as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
