bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
