Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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