We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
