I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
