apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
