So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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