history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
