1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
