I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
