Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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