Pants 0. Shit 1.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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