Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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