if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
