omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
