what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
