I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
