Soap is not a condiment
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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