She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
