i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
