Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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