Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
