Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
