while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
