I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
