you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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