And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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