Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
