also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
