Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to stick my p in your. b.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
