Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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