we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
