genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
