you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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