I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
