if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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