No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
