Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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