I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
