Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
