this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
