If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
