oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
