hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
