my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
