I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
