another moral hangover. fuck.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
